Explore...A whirlwind of emotions

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"...this was a whirlwind journey of discovery as well as depression. From thinking I had it all figured out to spinning wildly out of control. From feeling like no more anxiety, no more panic, no more pills—to having it all come crashing down again and back to not even feeling "okay." From taking two steps forward to not being able to even get out of bed in the morning. Because the journey through grief isn't a straight path—it's full of highs and lows, roundabouts and dead-ends." 

I have always considered myself a pretty even-tempered person. I grew up in a very stable, loving household where I can't ever recall a voice raised in anger. Slow to anger, the fuse burned out quickly, didn't hold a grudge, always looking for something to laugh about—me in an emotional nutshell. But grief threw me a curveball I was not prepared to hit. The roller-coaster of emotions every day was incredibly draining. Not used to being depressed, having to take sleeping and calming pills, not just crying—but wailing—for hours at a time...all of this was new to me. And it was very disconcerting.  I woke up every morning, not knowing if or how I would be able to handle the day. 

I don't know which was worse. Mornings, when I didn't want to get out of bed because that meant I had to be conscious and face the facts of my new estrangement. Or nights, when more often than not, I had to cry myself to sleep. 

I realized I needed a reason just to kick-start every day. For me, that reason was my two dogs. They needed me to get up, to feed and walk them, and care for them. I couldn't make them suffer just because I couldn't cope. And of course, once I was up and out of bed, then I started to do other tasks.  And even though the simplest task, like taking out the garbage, required super-human determination and strength, doing those routines provided some small measure of comfort.

The nights were equally difficult, but that's a story for another day. 

It might not be obvious in the beginning, but you'll need to find a reason to go on. At first, life without your "other half" will seem impossible. But there will be little reminders that will encourage you to start to pick up the fragments of your life, and eventually, you will be able to put those pieces back together again. Reminders such as: Did you ever live alone before? What did you cherish about your "alone" time, even when you were married? Were there activities that you enjoyed doing that your spouse did not? 

For example, Gary was afraid of flying, so our vacations were mostly limited to those places within driving distance of our home. Now, I am free to fly wherever I want. I have taken several short vacations to visit friends in other countries and even have revisited some of my favorite cities in the world. Has that travel sometimes been difficult? Absolutely. Often, I wished Gary were with me, to enjoy the scenery, the restaurants, the culture. But then I remind myself that he would never have taken the 11-hour flight. I take solace knowing that he would want me to be happy. Someday, you will regain that happiness. It may take months or years, but eventually, you will find yourself on a new journey...one that won't be painful with every breath.